Woah Turn Down The Lights Low And Woah, Turn Up The Radio!

I haven't been on here and blogged in ages!
Thinking of turning this into more of a photography inspiration/day to day goings on type of blog as opposed to something I only update once in a blue moon when I'm feeling down or insanely happy.
Speaking of which, I am at the moment-insanely happy that is.
My life is actually coming together and in the last few weeks I've had some amazing opportunities.
Singing at Manchester Academy and procurring my first ever photo pass have put me in seriously high spirits, but now it's time to knuckle down and get some work done.
1) Get my band sorted out. Find a permanent guitarist and start writing stuff, I'm sick and tired of chopping and changing and nothing really happening.
2) Sort my photography out. Get the layout for my myspace, improve my technique, buy Tom Barnes' book and practice, practice, PRACTICE.
3) Sort my college work out, ie, actually do some. Oh, and revising sociology for my exam in January would probably be a good idea as I want an A in it this year rather than a C.

That is all. Not a lot. But enough.

So Lets, Meet, Out By The Satellites Tonight...

I'm so happy right now.
My world has completely come together.
I'm having so many opportunities given to me right now and everything just feels right.
I'm so happy with Al, he makes my world come alive.
I miss him so much when he's not around.
I feel lost without him, and I don't want to imagine what it would be like without having him here.
He's incredible and he's everything to me.

Mmmm. Anger, and other things.

I bet you think you're so big don't you?
Posting your clever lyrics on Facebook so you'll know I can see them.
So you know you can make me feel shit.
Because of course I'm not going through enough right now without you making me feel so much worse.
Of course my illness hasn't got worse than ever before.
Of course I'm not being referred to the psychiatric ward of my local hospital.
Of course I'm not a walking, talking, breathing ghost.
Of course I don't feel dead.
Of course I'm not suicidal right now.

Fuck you. Fuck you, you pathetic piece of shit.
You're 9 years older than me and you still act like this.
Oh very mature. Very fucking mature.

Red Eyes On Orange Horizons, If Columbus Was Wrong I'd Drive Straight Off The Edge.

Well as usual everything has collapsed around me.
Me and Gary broke up.
In the middle of Glasgow.
300 miles from home.
And then the car broke down and we were stranded.
No money. Nowhere to go. No forseeable way of getting home.
It was horrible.

Since then I'm at a total loss as to what to do.
Life seems to have no meaning.
I'm a walking, talking, breathing ghost.
I'm constantly feeling disorientated.
Sleep evades me.
I'm distracting myself by falling under the spell of novels and cheap TV programmes.
Losing myself and taking a break from reality is the only way I'm continuing to live.
I did 'it' again.
I hate myself for it, but it's the only thing that helps.

Maybe one day I'll stop.
Maybe one day someone will save me.
Maybe.
One day.
But what if that day never comes?

Why Threaten, When You Can Kill So Much Faster?

I haven't had chance to post in a while.
Had a bit of a busy time.
You know how it is, always arguing, never talking.
Always working never breathing.
College, UCAS and arguments seem to have taken over my life.

I feel like I can't breathe.
I have my Mother giving me grief over my boyfriend.
And then I listen to him getting upset at what she's saying.
And then I'm stuck in the middle, really upset at what they're both saying, while she's making my life hell and he's trying to make my life better.
At the same time I'm listening to everyone elses problems.
But where am I?
I don't feel like people really listen to mine.
'Cept for one or two. But I don't like heaping all my shit onto their shoulders.

It would just be nice, on occaision, for someone to pick me up, dust me down and tell me it's ok.
To listen, rub my shoulders and feed me ice cream.
But I guess that's my job.
"Do you have a problem? Take a ticket, and wait in line until your number is called. I will be with you as soon as I can."

We Stare At Broken Clocks, The Hands Don't Turn Anymore.

I'm listening to songs on repeat.
I'm living in real time but I feel like I'm watching from afar.
Nothing seems real to me anymore, and nothing feels quite right.
I'm lost.
It's like I'm walking for walking's sake. Breathing because I have to, not because I want to.
I'm waiting for someone/something to pick me up.
But nothing seems to work anymore.
I don't think anything's worked since the day that I lost you.

The day I lost my pony, a part of me died with him.
I wouldn't eat and I wouldn't drink.
Shortly after he died I got diagnosed with depression and since then my life has been spiralling downwards.
Nothing kept me together like he did. I need him back more than anything.

Suicide Season is going round and round my head, and it's as if the lyrics almost relate to me and I don't quite know how.
Unless they relate to the loss of my pony. The most important thing in my life for years.
My rock. My child. My everything.

'If sorrow could build a staircase, if tears could show the way
I would climb my way to heaven, and bring him back again'

Awake, I Am Awake. And I'm Still Alive Out Here.

I've finally decided upon my tattoo idea.
To begin with, I was just going to get my favourite lyrics tattooed on my hip, but now I've gone from one extreme to another and I'm going to start work on my half sleeve.
The first element of this is going to be a memorial tattoo for my Grandparents, as they were two of the most important people in my life growing up, and without them I don't actually know how my Mum and I would have survived.
My Grandma's favourite flower was a white lily, and my Grandad's was a yellow daffodil, so I have decided I want one of each on the inside of my arm. Their stems are going to be woven around each other, and I'd like it to look as if both flowers are growing from the same seed. I'm also going to have my favourite lyrics curling around my wrist.

I don't know what else is going to be going on my sleeve, I know it's going to be incredibly painful and will severely limit me where job opportunities and long dresses are concerned, but if it's something that I like I don't see why I shouldn't get it.
At the end of the day it'll be when I'm 18, and if I regret it then I regret it, but somehow I don't see myself regretting my Grandparents.

I've Got A Secret, It's On The Tip Of My Tounge..

I don't actually know how to put this into words.
Only that it's happening again.
My Romeo&Juliet situation. Only this time it's with Gary. And this time it hurts more.

I can't have him torn away from me so unfairly.
And I can't have my parents acting so judgementally.
Before my Mum met my Step-Dad I'd never have thought she'd ever base her opinions on somebody based on their social class and family structure.
Hell she's nobody to talk, we were homeless twice when I was a child, and although I've been brought up with all these Upper Class values, I choose to ignore them and forge my own path in life following what I believe in.

Sure, I adore my Mum. Of course I do, our love is unconditional.
And I'm proud of my heritage and my upbringing.
But I'm not proud of the snobbish attitude my Mother and Step-Father have adopted recently.
They have a much higher opinion of themselves than is valid, and both seem to think they are something they're not.
It's actually ridiculous.

I just can't wait to watch their faces drop when I turn 18 and embrace the person I want to be.
They hate tattoos, too bad the one I have planned takes up half my arm.
Oh, and did I mention the face full of piercings?

Fuck Upper Class, I don't have a class. I'm normal thanks, and refuse to be placed in a box and characterised.

Agree/disagree with what I've said? Comment this post, I'm really interested to hear everybody's opinions on this subject.

Joey Doesn't Share Food.

I guess you find it fun to try and destroy everything in my friend's life don't you?
And then bitch about me behind my back. Even though I'm one of the only people who's remaind loyal to you over the years because I always remain loyal no matter what.
Well you know what? I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of watching you wrap her further and further around your little finger and manipulate her and others around you to get your own twisted little way.
Do you even have a conscience?
No, I didn't think so.
Not only are you destroying her life and making her more and more unhappy by the second, but I can tell you're going to start doing that to his as well. And you know what? The minute you hurt that boy I swear to God I will unleash hell, because no-one hurts him and gets away with it.
I'm mad enough at you as it is right now, and shits just got personal.


On a lighter note I'm rather, incredibly, sensationally happy and completely smitten with a certain young man by the name of Gary.
In the space of a few weeks, he's picked me up, dusted me down, and rather than setting me back on the shelf as is the norm for me, he's swept me off my feet and completely carried me away.
I've not felt so loved, wanted and needed all at the same time, and to have somebody so affectionate in my life is incredible. I love it. I love him already.
I never thought I'd feel proper love again after Sam. My heart broke and a bit of it went over to the Isle of Man with him when he left, and only now is that hole beginning to heal.
Our first kiss was amazing, I got everything you're meant to get, the whole fireworks and rushing waves and giddy stomach fandango, and it was sensational. Even Sam didn't make me feel like that when we kissed.
When we're apart I miss him so much, and when we're together it feels so amazingly nice and right. I'm so proud of him when I watch him on stage with his band, and the photos I get of him are always the best I've ever taken.

I'm smitten right now, and even Myspace has taken a back seat while he's around. When that happens you know shit's got real.

Now You're Fronting Like I've Never Seen You Front Tonight

I knew it was all in my head.
I'm such an absolute idiot it's insane.
Ah well, at least my mind is at rest so I can go to college tomorrow with a clear head.

I'm dreading going back, I don't want to fall back into the monotonous day to day existence it brings. Sure, I've missed having my routine and stuff this summer, and I know I need a routine to function properly, but I'm just not looking forward to not having my bed at my beck and call. It's going to take some getting used to to tell the God's honest truth.

I've had a good day today, apart from managing to spectacularly injure myself at dance practice for this audition on Saturday, I've just been in high spirits. I'm still feeling ghastly, and I'm not 100% at the moment, but I'm better than I have been in a while. Sat here listening to Four Year Strong and letting the music override everything else is just what it's all about. I'm sort of looking forward to getting the bus into college tomorrow, purely so I get roughly half an hour or so just me and my headphones, I'm going to be loving it. Makes a nice change from driving as well.

I don't particularly want the hassle of having a new tutor, having to learn new names and having to play those Godforsaken 'get to know you' games when you all have to run round like headless chickens to find a chair and stuff and it serves no purpose apart from managing to completely embarrass you in every single way. You don't even make friends or learn people's names, you just end up feeling more and more self-concious with every self deprecating moment.

Ah well, at least there's the slight possibility of seeing my boy tomorrow, which will put a great big high on the day.

Omg, wtf is with the rapping on this Four Year Strong song?!

And So It Begins Again.

I have no song to convey this post, and no catchy lyrics to use as my title.
Merely my fucked up head and my random thoughts at almost midnight.

I always swore I'd stop at 13 ya'know.
It was my lucky number and all that jazz.
I'd stop and I'd be fine, I'd no longer be tempted.
Kinda like OCD I suppose but not.
And yet, despite it being my lucky number and my head swearing to me I'd stop-I haven't.
It's not as simple as flicking a switch off and then it'd all stop.
My concious is telling me no, no more now. That's it, it's over, there's no need.
But the rest of my head is telling me one more, one more won't hurt.
It's ironic really, the one way of saving myself is more than likely going to be the one thing that destroys me for good.
But it feels so nice you know?
Such a relief, like nothing really matters.
It's satisfactory, it sorts my head out.
Or at least it used to; it used to sort my head out.
Now not so much. Maybe I'm beyond help, or maybe I need to find another way of coping with things, who knows? But this just doesn't seem to be doing it for me anymore.
It's less of a way of saving myself and more of a way of destroying myself more and more with each time it slices through.

I'll find a way one day. I know I will.
For now I'm going to try and find sleep, and if sleep evades me then I'll write, and if inspiration fails me I'll listen to angry, dirty metal until I fall asleep eventually. Which isn't going to happen.

I'm tempted to have another cigarrette, just for shits and giggles, even though I don't need one in the slightest. Just for something to do, to occupy my hands and mind and tell myself no, 3 times in one night is enough. 3 times in less than 5 minutes is more than enough.

Oh God, please let someone save me?

Repent! Repent! The End Is Nigh! Repent! Repent! We're All Gonna Die!

I think I have had what can only be described as the best weekend of my life.
My Leeds festival experience started on Wednesday morning, when I woke up thought 'Oh shit, I'm going to be in a tent for the next 5 days' and promptly refused to get out of bed until half an hour before I was due to leave for Danny's.
After I'd arrived and appropriately ripped Danny for wearing wellies 8 hours before we were due to set off, we nipped into Northwhich for emergancy supplies ie; sandwiches, chilli dorritos, fanta, chocolate, sanitary towels and 40 cigarettes for me and then headed to Will's from where we were due to set off.
At half 10 we jetted off in a little convoy of cars, stopping at every service station on the way up just to use the toilets even if we didn't need them. We got our first Leeds mascot in the form of a bouncy ball which I'm sure we lost before we even got to the festival, and we managed to cause havoc in the lorry carpark of the last service station by parking there by mistake and excessively using our airhorn.
After hitting a pothole on the way out of the station we were convinced we wouldn't make the last few miles of the trip with the wheel making a rather dubious sound and sounding like it was going to fall off, however we arrived there with maximum excitement and no casualties.
Pitching the tents at 3 in the morning was an experience, and sleep wasn't granted for us until about 5 am Thursday morning when Marie and I crawled into our sleeping bags for some much needed rest while the lads were still out exploring; however, sadly, sleep was not to be for us as people repeatedly tripped over the guide ropes for the tent and fell on the tent all night, making us wake up multiple times. Then when Rusty and Blaine eventually came back to go to sleep they were giggling like little girls at a sleepover so sleep once again evaded us.

Thursday was uneventful in the majority, and rather boring considering nothing went on. We braved the festival toilets for the first time and realised they weren't quite as bad as they were cracked up to be, and the weather was glorious so the bikinis were brought out and were worn the majority of the day. The boys went for a free Chlamydia test at one point and came back with 'My Tackle's Been Tested' boxers, which they wore with great pride.

Friday the music kicked off, with Enter Shikari my favourite band being the first of the day I wanted to see. We trekked to the arena and put up with a rather awful set by Eagles of Death Metal before Shikari came on. I have to say that despite the fact they're my favourite band, their set wasn't the best it could have been. The sound wasn't as good as in a smaller venue, and with various technical problems it didn't make for the best set of the day, however I still completely loved every second. I also think it would have been better if I could have got a better position in the audience, I was too far back and the only person really singing along and dancing whereas I wanted to be in the pit. You Me At Six and The Blackout also put on good shows, with both playing my favourite songs and giving me a chance to sing along and have a dance. The signings tent was also a good spot, meeting Oli Sykes and the rest of Bring Me The Horizon was amazing, as was meeting Enter Shikari again and having them recognise me. My hat they all signed must have increased in value by a good hundred pounds or so now! The highlight of Friday however was definately Bring Me The Horizon's set-they really got the crowd going, and the guitarist playing from the top of the Festival Republic tent is something I won't forget in a hurry.

Saturday was another good day, with Crystal Castles providing me with my high point, a fantastic set and a damn good rave! Unfortunately this was the day I began to feel ill on and it all went downhill from there in that respect, with me having to leave early Sunday morning and not catching any of the bands I really wanted to see on the Sunday.

However despite leaving early, I made so many memories I definately won't be forgetting in a hurry such as Rent-A-Sheep, Stoned? Name your Rizzla! Blamange, Pureeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 94!, There's 96!...no...wait...it's still 95, Slingshots down Orange Hill, Poo Girl, Sledging down Orange Hill and every other memory that's not coming to mind now but surely will at some point further down the line.

Another high point to my weekend was a certain text from a certain person 'I really can't be without you can I?' (L)

Promise I'll Be Fine, But I Won't Stop Until That Boy Is Mine.

So; I've met someone perfect.
'Oh suprise, suprise Lucy; when have you never met someone who's perfect?'
But he really is.
He calls/texts when he says he will. If he says he'll be somewhere then he will be, and if he's late he still turns up and is always completely apologetic.
So what's the problem then?
My parents believe that his family is rough, and that therefore he is too and that I'm going to be in some sort of danger and getting involved with the wrong people if we get together, not to mention that apparently the house and dogs are also in some sort of grave danger should the two of us break up or something.
As if the family is going to get involved in a break up. But there you go, my parents have completely banned me from ever seeing him again.
And it's killing me.
I'd see him on the sly if 1) I'm completely incapable of lying and don't want to go behind my parent's backs as I'd feel far too guilty, and 2) If I went behind their backs and got found out then I'd be sent to boarding school/abroad-this is not the average boarding school threat that most parents throw at their teenagers at some point, my parents have actually begun to make enquiries.

So now I don't know what to do.
All I want to do is see the boy who is incredible. The boy who gives me butterflies and who's kisses make me melt. But instead I spend most of my days dying a little inside while I don't get to see him and my parents will not back down. My appetite has been affected, I feel ill all the time. I'm not interested in anything and I have no motivation except for my music and my photography.

I just want my boy. And I don't know how to make my parents understand this :(

This Time Baby, I'll Be, Bulletproof

Mate, I wish I fucking was.
I've had enough of living this lie now, I'm sick and tired of acting like everything is fantastic, and the stupid act the whole family puts on like 'OMG we're so happy and high off life' when in reality I see my Mum die a little more inside every day, feel myself slowly retreating back into that dark place, and see Dad acting more of a twat with every passing minute and pint of beer.
I'm fed up also, of meeting lovely guys and then my parents having a fucking attitude about them and not allowing them round to the house and stuff without even trying to get to know them, it's going to make this situation very, very difficult and I'm not happy. I don't wanna be in the same position as I was a few months ago again, I want to be happy and I want them to be happy that I'm happy.

Anyway, short rant over, needed to get it out some how and as always the blog was the place to go :)

I Know I'm Good For Something, I Just Haven't Found It Yet.

Tonight was rather difficult tbh. I ended up having to finish something that absolutely killed me, but I just couldn't cope. I haven't had a breakdown like this in a while, it was horrible. I felt in such a dark place but luckily this time I had my girls with me and thanks to them I didn't do anything stupid that I'd most likely have regretted when I woke up in the morning.

Had a good day though; Chesters always fun whether the sun shines or not, and eating KFC in the park smoking too many 'fagarettes' and generally pissing about, it was fantastic. So nice to have a friend that drives because we can just go places, like clouds or something, just listening to our music and not caring what people think because it's us. It's just us.

Sitting in the field by my house, smoking, listening to music and singing. I got so lost in my music; it doesn't always happen like that for me, but when it does it's amazing. I love it. I lose myself and I escape. I have an audition for We Say Summer on Friday, I'm terrified because I'm scared my voice won't be strong enough, or that they won't want a female vocalist after all, but if they do, and I get to do this for myself even as a bit of fun, it'll be the most amazing experience of my life. I just hope I get it right. I got lost tonight though in Drive My Soul by Lights, was listening to it full blast and singing my heart out and it sounded right, Joey said she wished she'd recorded it and that I could actually sing. It reminds me of him though, of the feelings I felt when I got lost on my walk and didn't know what to do, it reminds me of sitting at the side of the road, with the rain pouring down, feeling dead but knowing there's something there around the corner to pick me up. The atmosphere was kinda lost when a rabbit ran out of the undergrowth and scared us both shitless, and then again when chavs came into the field and started shouting stuff, but I got lost and it was amazing for 3 mintues. It also made me realise something really difficult, something that I needed to do with my life, no matter how hard it was going to be.

I got him to ring me, although it killed me inside, and I told him how it was. I broke down, I cried, I wept and I became inconsolable, hysterical and once again suicidal. I wanted a knife, goddamn I haven't wanted a knife like that in a long time. Being physically restrained was difficult, I didn't know how to cope, I never do, but I'm still here and it's ok.
It's ok.

I'm here and I'm not going anywhere-for once I learned how to cope, I saw how much my friends love me, and them having to see me like that damn near finished me off again, I've never let anyone see me have a breakdown and it was terrifying.

I needed to talk tonight, I needed to let it all out and blog about pretty much everything. Sometimes the fact that no-one reads this is a godsend, it leaves me total anonymity, living with depression is difficult for me, I feel alone in a room full of people, and I feel isolated in the busiest, most crowded of places. But my music, my friends, my photography, my dogs and my family are giving me something to live for and I know I'm going to get through this somehow.

And still we will be here; standing like statues.
And still I will be here; standing like a statue.
AND STILL WE WILL BE HERE; STANDING LIKE STATUES.

Woah, Lois That's Not My Batman Glass

I have quite possibly just had the best week of my life. Even though there was no Enter Shikari involvement, I think it almost topped that night at Central when they played. And that's saying something, because that was an amazing night.

On Tuesday, I turned up at DeBee's in Winsford to do the photos for I, Said The Spy and ended up getting chatting to a wonderful band named We Say Summer who took me under their wing when I didn't know anyone, and took me on a mission to get McDonald's before their set. Spoke to them for most of the night, and all but their vocalist ended up camping at the campsite at the bottom of my road before embarking on a trip to Chester with me the following day.

After a near drowning at the hands of Ste in Northgate Arena, we trooped to KFC to get food and then to Chester Park where we chilled for a few hours before jumping in the van and heading back to mine for a game of football and an ice cream. On the spur of the moment I ended up making the trip with them to St Helens that night for a gathering at their friend Jay's house. By that point however I was feeling rather ill and sadly wasn't my usual self, I then ended up crashing out at about midnight, before getting a lift back to mine the following day.

We arrived back at mine, only for me to pick up a change of clothes and head back to St Helens to pick up the others and make the long trip down to Birmingham for their gig that night. I went as official merch girl, as their friend Jay does their photography; however he ended up letting me shoot most of the set for experience, which I was pretty honoured to do. Had an awesome night involving hardcore dancing with a blow up dolphin, being disguised as a pile of sleeping bags on the way down to Birmingham in case the police pulled us over for overcrowding the van, Oli Sykes tattoos, pokerface, spooning a statue, too many cigarettes, pizza at 1am, penis love, fanny love and my chemical romance, making the tour video, trying to convince people I was actually Hagrid, Shikari claps, taking the piss out of the crappy emo bands, getting acosted by drunk 14 year old girls, and generally just having an amazing night :)

Got home at about 4 this morning after Shaun from I, Said The Spy kindly gave me a lift home, and have slept most of the day-it's been pretty epic and I'd kill to do it again :)

We Wrote A Prelude, To Our Own Fairytale...

Just got back from a week away in 'sunny' Porthleven, Cornwall. We were promised days of intermittent rain and sun, but sadly the only sunny day we had was yesterday which was our last day, and most of which I spent passed out on the beach with Alex, sunning myself and watching the lifeguards ;)

The week started out pretty good, the first service station we stopped at on the way down stocked chilli heatwave Dorritos so I was pretty damn happy in all fairness :) Got down to Cornwall and just chilled for the day if I remember correctly, it was pretty chill. Spent the rest of the week milling around the cottage/village/surrounding towns and beaches.

The actual place was stunning, we were right on this cliff edge type thing overlooking the sea, and you could see for miles to the left all the coast of Cornwall which was pretty west, and like on the right you could see all the harbour and the pier and it was proper proper beautiful. One night it was kinda stormy, and the weather whipped up these huge waves which were crashing up so high we were getting soaked by sea spray sitting on the cottage garden wall-I got some incredible photos which I'll probably shove up here at some point.

There was a good night at the Atlantic Inn when they had a quiz night and the Love family decided to join in for a laugh, we got terribly overexcited when they called our team name 2nd in the results until people started giving us weird looks and we realised that actually we were second to last and not as clever as we'd been stupidly led to believe. It was quite a funny evening in all fairness, with Mum thinking that Fillius Phogg (or however you spell his name) invented the hot air balloon and the plane or something, and Dad had to gently tell her 'Darling, Fillius Phogg went round the world in 80 days'; it cause great hilarity between me and Alex, almost as much as when Dad tried to tell us that Da Vinci had invented the hot air balloon, and then tried to pass it off as Michaelangelo until me and Alex casually informed him that both Michaelangelo and Da Vinci were Renaissance artists and he shut up abruptly. He also lost us an entire round of questions by telling us that the answer to a general knowledge question was 'a hotdog eating competition' despite the actual answer being 'American Idol' which got us slightly annoyed to say the least but it was all in good humour.

A trip to Helford was a bit difficult to say the least, threw me a little as it brought about lots of discussion of my Dad which is still a sore topic, and brought back lots of memories of happier times, so to tell the truth I was a bit down and had a bit of a cry and sorted myself out, which was probably the only dampner on the entire holiday. I cheered up that night though when a certain text came through on my phone which made me smile a lot :) Safe to say he was on my mind a fair bit that holiday.

Travelling back today however was not my idea of fun-we set off at 10.3o this morning and didn't get through the door until 7.30; 8 hours in the car gave me a very numb bum, a bad headache and an even worse mood but it's all sorted now except for the headache. Felt the need to write about this tonight though so I don't forget about it all-not that I think I would :)

And Still We Will Be Here; Standing Like Statues.

I deleted all the old blog posts on here. I didn't want to read them again, and I didn't want anyone else reading them and judging me, because they were all while I was in a really bad place with my illness. I'm a lot better at the moment, and I don't need to read things like that which are just going to drag me down again.

Lots has changed for me recently. I have a much more positive outlook on life, and I'm slowly beginning to become the person I want to be, rather than the person I hate. I feel more like a normal teenager now, certainly a lot less hampered by this illness than I was a few months ago. I'm beginning to see a future for myself, and I've found that I have a reason to be here; photography.

Two months ago, I didn't expect to be alive by now. I didn't think I'd make my 17th birthday this year. Hell, I should be in a coffin by now if it weren't for my Mum, and for my own self grimly hanging onto the last thread of hope each time I was about to end it, just in case things began to look up. I don't know what made me do it, and I don't know how I managed it, but I'm definately happy that I'm still here right now.

I'm still looking for someone lovely, sure, that guy is still on my mind and probably will be for a long time-he fucked with my head a lot more than necessary and at the end of the day I've seen him for what he really is. Although that still doesn't stop me looking on his facebook at his pictures on a fairly regular basis. I've met someone nice however, I'm beginning to get feelings for him, and to be quite honest, he hasn't been out of my head for a while now. I don't know if he feels the same though, and I'm almost scared to broach the subject with him, just incase it all goes tits up like it did earlier in the year with The Boy Who Won't Be Named. All I can say though, is that I hope I find someone soon, because I'd like someone to be here for me, and take care of me, and cuddle me at night when my dreams get scary.