Awake, I Am Awake. And I'm Still Alive Out Here.

I've finally decided upon my tattoo idea.
To begin with, I was just going to get my favourite lyrics tattooed on my hip, but now I've gone from one extreme to another and I'm going to start work on my half sleeve.
The first element of this is going to be a memorial tattoo for my Grandparents, as they were two of the most important people in my life growing up, and without them I don't actually know how my Mum and I would have survived.
My Grandma's favourite flower was a white lily, and my Grandad's was a yellow daffodil, so I have decided I want one of each on the inside of my arm. Their stems are going to be woven around each other, and I'd like it to look as if both flowers are growing from the same seed. I'm also going to have my favourite lyrics curling around my wrist.

I don't know what else is going to be going on my sleeve, I know it's going to be incredibly painful and will severely limit me where job opportunities and long dresses are concerned, but if it's something that I like I don't see why I shouldn't get it.
At the end of the day it'll be when I'm 18, and if I regret it then I regret it, but somehow I don't see myself regretting my Grandparents.

I've Got A Secret, It's On The Tip Of My Tounge..

I don't actually know how to put this into words.
Only that it's happening again.
My Romeo&Juliet situation. Only this time it's with Gary. And this time it hurts more.

I can't have him torn away from me so unfairly.
And I can't have my parents acting so judgementally.
Before my Mum met my Step-Dad I'd never have thought she'd ever base her opinions on somebody based on their social class and family structure.
Hell she's nobody to talk, we were homeless twice when I was a child, and although I've been brought up with all these Upper Class values, I choose to ignore them and forge my own path in life following what I believe in.

Sure, I adore my Mum. Of course I do, our love is unconditional.
And I'm proud of my heritage and my upbringing.
But I'm not proud of the snobbish attitude my Mother and Step-Father have adopted recently.
They have a much higher opinion of themselves than is valid, and both seem to think they are something they're not.
It's actually ridiculous.

I just can't wait to watch their faces drop when I turn 18 and embrace the person I want to be.
They hate tattoos, too bad the one I have planned takes up half my arm.
Oh, and did I mention the face full of piercings?

Fuck Upper Class, I don't have a class. I'm normal thanks, and refuse to be placed in a box and characterised.

Agree/disagree with what I've said? Comment this post, I'm really interested to hear everybody's opinions on this subject.

Joey Doesn't Share Food.

I guess you find it fun to try and destroy everything in my friend's life don't you?
And then bitch about me behind my back. Even though I'm one of the only people who's remaind loyal to you over the years because I always remain loyal no matter what.
Well you know what? I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of watching you wrap her further and further around your little finger and manipulate her and others around you to get your own twisted little way.
Do you even have a conscience?
No, I didn't think so.
Not only are you destroying her life and making her more and more unhappy by the second, but I can tell you're going to start doing that to his as well. And you know what? The minute you hurt that boy I swear to God I will unleash hell, because no-one hurts him and gets away with it.
I'm mad enough at you as it is right now, and shits just got personal.


On a lighter note I'm rather, incredibly, sensationally happy and completely smitten with a certain young man by the name of Gary.
In the space of a few weeks, he's picked me up, dusted me down, and rather than setting me back on the shelf as is the norm for me, he's swept me off my feet and completely carried me away.
I've not felt so loved, wanted and needed all at the same time, and to have somebody so affectionate in my life is incredible. I love it. I love him already.
I never thought I'd feel proper love again after Sam. My heart broke and a bit of it went over to the Isle of Man with him when he left, and only now is that hole beginning to heal.
Our first kiss was amazing, I got everything you're meant to get, the whole fireworks and rushing waves and giddy stomach fandango, and it was sensational. Even Sam didn't make me feel like that when we kissed.
When we're apart I miss him so much, and when we're together it feels so amazingly nice and right. I'm so proud of him when I watch him on stage with his band, and the photos I get of him are always the best I've ever taken.

I'm smitten right now, and even Myspace has taken a back seat while he's around. When that happens you know shit's got real.

Now You're Fronting Like I've Never Seen You Front Tonight

I knew it was all in my head.
I'm such an absolute idiot it's insane.
Ah well, at least my mind is at rest so I can go to college tomorrow with a clear head.

I'm dreading going back, I don't want to fall back into the monotonous day to day existence it brings. Sure, I've missed having my routine and stuff this summer, and I know I need a routine to function properly, but I'm just not looking forward to not having my bed at my beck and call. It's going to take some getting used to to tell the God's honest truth.

I've had a good day today, apart from managing to spectacularly injure myself at dance practice for this audition on Saturday, I've just been in high spirits. I'm still feeling ghastly, and I'm not 100% at the moment, but I'm better than I have been in a while. Sat here listening to Four Year Strong and letting the music override everything else is just what it's all about. I'm sort of looking forward to getting the bus into college tomorrow, purely so I get roughly half an hour or so just me and my headphones, I'm going to be loving it. Makes a nice change from driving as well.

I don't particularly want the hassle of having a new tutor, having to learn new names and having to play those Godforsaken 'get to know you' games when you all have to run round like headless chickens to find a chair and stuff and it serves no purpose apart from managing to completely embarrass you in every single way. You don't even make friends or learn people's names, you just end up feeling more and more self-concious with every self deprecating moment.

Ah well, at least there's the slight possibility of seeing my boy tomorrow, which will put a great big high on the day.

Omg, wtf is with the rapping on this Four Year Strong song?!

And So It Begins Again.

I have no song to convey this post, and no catchy lyrics to use as my title.
Merely my fucked up head and my random thoughts at almost midnight.

I always swore I'd stop at 13 ya'know.
It was my lucky number and all that jazz.
I'd stop and I'd be fine, I'd no longer be tempted.
Kinda like OCD I suppose but not.
And yet, despite it being my lucky number and my head swearing to me I'd stop-I haven't.
It's not as simple as flicking a switch off and then it'd all stop.
My concious is telling me no, no more now. That's it, it's over, there's no need.
But the rest of my head is telling me one more, one more won't hurt.
It's ironic really, the one way of saving myself is more than likely going to be the one thing that destroys me for good.
But it feels so nice you know?
Such a relief, like nothing really matters.
It's satisfactory, it sorts my head out.
Or at least it used to; it used to sort my head out.
Now not so much. Maybe I'm beyond help, or maybe I need to find another way of coping with things, who knows? But this just doesn't seem to be doing it for me anymore.
It's less of a way of saving myself and more of a way of destroying myself more and more with each time it slices through.

I'll find a way one day. I know I will.
For now I'm going to try and find sleep, and if sleep evades me then I'll write, and if inspiration fails me I'll listen to angry, dirty metal until I fall asleep eventually. Which isn't going to happen.

I'm tempted to have another cigarrette, just for shits and giggles, even though I don't need one in the slightest. Just for something to do, to occupy my hands and mind and tell myself no, 3 times in one night is enough. 3 times in less than 5 minutes is more than enough.

Oh God, please let someone save me?