Red Eyes On Orange Horizons, If Columbus Was Wrong I'd Drive Straight Off The Edge.

Well as usual everything has collapsed around me.
Me and Gary broke up.
In the middle of Glasgow.
300 miles from home.
And then the car broke down and we were stranded.
No money. Nowhere to go. No forseeable way of getting home.
It was horrible.

Since then I'm at a total loss as to what to do.
Life seems to have no meaning.
I'm a walking, talking, breathing ghost.
I'm constantly feeling disorientated.
Sleep evades me.
I'm distracting myself by falling under the spell of novels and cheap TV programmes.
Losing myself and taking a break from reality is the only way I'm continuing to live.
I did 'it' again.
I hate myself for it, but it's the only thing that helps.

Maybe one day I'll stop.
Maybe one day someone will save me.
Maybe.
One day.
But what if that day never comes?

Why Threaten, When You Can Kill So Much Faster?

I haven't had chance to post in a while.
Had a bit of a busy time.
You know how it is, always arguing, never talking.
Always working never breathing.
College, UCAS and arguments seem to have taken over my life.

I feel like I can't breathe.
I have my Mother giving me grief over my boyfriend.
And then I listen to him getting upset at what she's saying.
And then I'm stuck in the middle, really upset at what they're both saying, while she's making my life hell and he's trying to make my life better.
At the same time I'm listening to everyone elses problems.
But where am I?
I don't feel like people really listen to mine.
'Cept for one or two. But I don't like heaping all my shit onto their shoulders.

It would just be nice, on occaision, for someone to pick me up, dust me down and tell me it's ok.
To listen, rub my shoulders and feed me ice cream.
But I guess that's my job.
"Do you have a problem? Take a ticket, and wait in line until your number is called. I will be with you as soon as I can."

We Stare At Broken Clocks, The Hands Don't Turn Anymore.

I'm listening to songs on repeat.
I'm living in real time but I feel like I'm watching from afar.
Nothing seems real to me anymore, and nothing feels quite right.
I'm lost.
It's like I'm walking for walking's sake. Breathing because I have to, not because I want to.
I'm waiting for someone/something to pick me up.
But nothing seems to work anymore.
I don't think anything's worked since the day that I lost you.

The day I lost my pony, a part of me died with him.
I wouldn't eat and I wouldn't drink.
Shortly after he died I got diagnosed with depression and since then my life has been spiralling downwards.
Nothing kept me together like he did. I need him back more than anything.

Suicide Season is going round and round my head, and it's as if the lyrics almost relate to me and I don't quite know how.
Unless they relate to the loss of my pony. The most important thing in my life for years.
My rock. My child. My everything.

'If sorrow could build a staircase, if tears could show the way
I would climb my way to heaven, and bring him back again'