Woah Turn Down The Lights Low And Woah, Turn Up The Radio!

I haven't been on here and blogged in ages!
Thinking of turning this into more of a photography inspiration/day to day goings on type of blog as opposed to something I only update once in a blue moon when I'm feeling down or insanely happy.
Speaking of which, I am at the moment-insanely happy that is.
My life is actually coming together and in the last few weeks I've had some amazing opportunities.
Singing at Manchester Academy and procurring my first ever photo pass have put me in seriously high spirits, but now it's time to knuckle down and get some work done.
1) Get my band sorted out. Find a permanent guitarist and start writing stuff, I'm sick and tired of chopping and changing and nothing really happening.
2) Sort my photography out. Get the layout for my myspace, improve my technique, buy Tom Barnes' book and practice, practice, PRACTICE.
3) Sort my college work out, ie, actually do some. Oh, and revising sociology for my exam in January would probably be a good idea as I want an A in it this year rather than a C.

That is all. Not a lot. But enough.

So Lets, Meet, Out By The Satellites Tonight...

I'm so happy right now.
My world has completely come together.
I'm having so many opportunities given to me right now and everything just feels right.
I'm so happy with Al, he makes my world come alive.
I miss him so much when he's not around.
I feel lost without him, and I don't want to imagine what it would be like without having him here.
He's incredible and he's everything to me.

Mmmm. Anger, and other things.

I bet you think you're so big don't you?
Posting your clever lyrics on Facebook so you'll know I can see them.
So you know you can make me feel shit.
Because of course I'm not going through enough right now without you making me feel so much worse.
Of course my illness hasn't got worse than ever before.
Of course I'm not being referred to the psychiatric ward of my local hospital.
Of course I'm not a walking, talking, breathing ghost.
Of course I don't feel dead.
Of course I'm not suicidal right now.

Fuck you. Fuck you, you pathetic piece of shit.
You're 9 years older than me and you still act like this.
Oh very mature. Very fucking mature.

Red Eyes On Orange Horizons, If Columbus Was Wrong I'd Drive Straight Off The Edge.

Well as usual everything has collapsed around me.
Me and Gary broke up.
In the middle of Glasgow.
300 miles from home.
And then the car broke down and we were stranded.
No money. Nowhere to go. No forseeable way of getting home.
It was horrible.

Since then I'm at a total loss as to what to do.
Life seems to have no meaning.
I'm a walking, talking, breathing ghost.
I'm constantly feeling disorientated.
Sleep evades me.
I'm distracting myself by falling under the spell of novels and cheap TV programmes.
Losing myself and taking a break from reality is the only way I'm continuing to live.
I did 'it' again.
I hate myself for it, but it's the only thing that helps.

Maybe one day I'll stop.
Maybe one day someone will save me.
Maybe.
One day.
But what if that day never comes?

Why Threaten, When You Can Kill So Much Faster?

I haven't had chance to post in a while.
Had a bit of a busy time.
You know how it is, always arguing, never talking.
Always working never breathing.
College, UCAS and arguments seem to have taken over my life.

I feel like I can't breathe.
I have my Mother giving me grief over my boyfriend.
And then I listen to him getting upset at what she's saying.
And then I'm stuck in the middle, really upset at what they're both saying, while she's making my life hell and he's trying to make my life better.
At the same time I'm listening to everyone elses problems.
But where am I?
I don't feel like people really listen to mine.
'Cept for one or two. But I don't like heaping all my shit onto their shoulders.

It would just be nice, on occaision, for someone to pick me up, dust me down and tell me it's ok.
To listen, rub my shoulders and feed me ice cream.
But I guess that's my job.
"Do you have a problem? Take a ticket, and wait in line until your number is called. I will be with you as soon as I can."

We Stare At Broken Clocks, The Hands Don't Turn Anymore.

I'm listening to songs on repeat.
I'm living in real time but I feel like I'm watching from afar.
Nothing seems real to me anymore, and nothing feels quite right.
I'm lost.
It's like I'm walking for walking's sake. Breathing because I have to, not because I want to.
I'm waiting for someone/something to pick me up.
But nothing seems to work anymore.
I don't think anything's worked since the day that I lost you.

The day I lost my pony, a part of me died with him.
I wouldn't eat and I wouldn't drink.
Shortly after he died I got diagnosed with depression and since then my life has been spiralling downwards.
Nothing kept me together like he did. I need him back more than anything.

Suicide Season is going round and round my head, and it's as if the lyrics almost relate to me and I don't quite know how.
Unless they relate to the loss of my pony. The most important thing in my life for years.
My rock. My child. My everything.

'If sorrow could build a staircase, if tears could show the way
I would climb my way to heaven, and bring him back again'

Awake, I Am Awake. And I'm Still Alive Out Here.

I've finally decided upon my tattoo idea.
To begin with, I was just going to get my favourite lyrics tattooed on my hip, but now I've gone from one extreme to another and I'm going to start work on my half sleeve.
The first element of this is going to be a memorial tattoo for my Grandparents, as they were two of the most important people in my life growing up, and without them I don't actually know how my Mum and I would have survived.
My Grandma's favourite flower was a white lily, and my Grandad's was a yellow daffodil, so I have decided I want one of each on the inside of my arm. Their stems are going to be woven around each other, and I'd like it to look as if both flowers are growing from the same seed. I'm also going to have my favourite lyrics curling around my wrist.

I don't know what else is going to be going on my sleeve, I know it's going to be incredibly painful and will severely limit me where job opportunities and long dresses are concerned, but if it's something that I like I don't see why I shouldn't get it.
At the end of the day it'll be when I'm 18, and if I regret it then I regret it, but somehow I don't see myself regretting my Grandparents.