I Know I'm Good For Something, I Just Haven't Found It Yet.

Tonight was rather difficult tbh. I ended up having to finish something that absolutely killed me, but I just couldn't cope. I haven't had a breakdown like this in a while, it was horrible. I felt in such a dark place but luckily this time I had my girls with me and thanks to them I didn't do anything stupid that I'd most likely have regretted when I woke up in the morning.

Had a good day though; Chesters always fun whether the sun shines or not, and eating KFC in the park smoking too many 'fagarettes' and generally pissing about, it was fantastic. So nice to have a friend that drives because we can just go places, like clouds or something, just listening to our music and not caring what people think because it's us. It's just us.

Sitting in the field by my house, smoking, listening to music and singing. I got so lost in my music; it doesn't always happen like that for me, but when it does it's amazing. I love it. I lose myself and I escape. I have an audition for We Say Summer on Friday, I'm terrified because I'm scared my voice won't be strong enough, or that they won't want a female vocalist after all, but if they do, and I get to do this for myself even as a bit of fun, it'll be the most amazing experience of my life. I just hope I get it right. I got lost tonight though in Drive My Soul by Lights, was listening to it full blast and singing my heart out and it sounded right, Joey said she wished she'd recorded it and that I could actually sing. It reminds me of him though, of the feelings I felt when I got lost on my walk and didn't know what to do, it reminds me of sitting at the side of the road, with the rain pouring down, feeling dead but knowing there's something there around the corner to pick me up. The atmosphere was kinda lost when a rabbit ran out of the undergrowth and scared us both shitless, and then again when chavs came into the field and started shouting stuff, but I got lost and it was amazing for 3 mintues. It also made me realise something really difficult, something that I needed to do with my life, no matter how hard it was going to be.

I got him to ring me, although it killed me inside, and I told him how it was. I broke down, I cried, I wept and I became inconsolable, hysterical and once again suicidal. I wanted a knife, goddamn I haven't wanted a knife like that in a long time. Being physically restrained was difficult, I didn't know how to cope, I never do, but I'm still here and it's ok.
It's ok.

I'm here and I'm not going anywhere-for once I learned how to cope, I saw how much my friends love me, and them having to see me like that damn near finished me off again, I've never let anyone see me have a breakdown and it was terrifying.

I needed to talk tonight, I needed to let it all out and blog about pretty much everything. Sometimes the fact that no-one reads this is a godsend, it leaves me total anonymity, living with depression is difficult for me, I feel alone in a room full of people, and I feel isolated in the busiest, most crowded of places. But my music, my friends, my photography, my dogs and my family are giving me something to live for and I know I'm going to get through this somehow.

And still we will be here; standing like statues.
And still I will be here; standing like a statue.
AND STILL WE WILL BE HERE; STANDING LIKE STATUES.